markofthewise | Sokka the 81st

Entry tags:

[action],
[voice]

Sokka the 81st

Sokka woke up in the tunnels with a sudden jolt. He was cold, extremely cold, and no matter how much he pulled on his arms, he couldn't seem to get warm. His memory was a blur, but it slowly began to occur to him how he'd just returned from a mission. Then there was the droids... He shuddered as he thought about that. Had he been kidnapped? Maybe it was why he was so cold.

He pulled himself to his feet and instantly regretted it. At first he stumbled into the wall and scraped his elbow along the side. It bled, but he paid no mind to how it hurt. At least until he realized he needed the wall to steady himself, at which point he turned along side his back and waited. When he went to cover the cut with his hand, he decided that made it altogether worse. So he continued to ignore it. Instead he strained his ears for the sound of anything. The tunnels had their usual hollow echo, though it was more thunderous and he realized that meant there was rain falling in from the entrance. Upon finding his strength, Sokka made his way towards the entrance of the tunnel, using his hand to trace the edges of the wall in case he slipped and needed to brace himself. When he reached the entrance, his guess proved to be right. There was a torrent of rain coming through the entrance of the tunnel and much more rain cascading along the edges.

If he'd had any sense, he would have waited in the tunnels. But he made his way up the ladder, keeping his grip tighter than normal due to the slick conditions. It proved to be a wise decision when his foot slipped at one point and he was left dangling by his hands. By the time he made it to the top, he felt more like himself than normal, but he was drenched to the bone and feeling miserable for it. He felt very sorry for himself and realized he was bound to get himself sick like this. He found himself worried about what Katara would think. The last thing he wanted was to see her upset. But even as he plodded on home in the rain, he found himself stuck on that line of thought. It was a bewildering realization that he was more concerned about how his troubles would impact his sister than it would him. The line of thought seemed almost foreign to him. As he stood outside the house, staring at a stony slab with his own face imprinted in it, he began to understand he was worse off than he thought. More than that, he was hesitant to face anyone.

He delayed his trip by taking the long way home, making his way behind the barracks and into a secret entrance to the house. The tunnel leading to the basement was wet and ankle deep as he trekked his way home. Earthbenders may make great tunnels, but Toph hadn't put much thought into water run off when she carved it out of the ground. By the time he made it to the basement, he was back to shivering again. While a warm July rain may not freeze a man, a cold basement did little good for a man in soggy clothes. He took the opportunity to change into some spare clothes, all the while waiting for sounds of activity upstairs. He wasn't alone, so he waited in the basement as he tried to sort out his thoughts. He nearly went to go wait on the spare bed, but found he could not even do that. He remembered the last time he had been in that bed.

Asami. His stomach lurched as he realized the seriousness of what he had done. But that was nothing compared to what had gone on with Katniss. It had been over three months since he and Katniss had begun their relationship. Of course, with a newer clarity, Sokka couldn't quite describe it as that. His memories with her felt hollow and visceral. They lacked meaning or any sense of fondness. He was able to look back at them with the same sort of distance he did with the false memories he had gained from experiments. But he knew these weren't false memories. They weren't echoes of another life. It was all things he did. Things he said. Lies that he told for his own benefit. His fists tightened as he realized the seriousness of what he had done. They were so tight that his fingernails, only slightly overgrown, pierced his palm and made him bleed. He hissed at the pain and used a roll of paper towels to clean them.

But the blood served to be reminders of things far more awful. He remembered the draft. The stinking, burnt bodies of the cultists. The carelessness as his sword split flesh and bone. The utter lack of empathy he felt for any of them. Worse yet, he recalled a great-winged man pleading for mercy. A man who claimed he was no cultist. Sokka had killed him anyway. It was with a great heaviness that Sokka understood so well why he so adamantly told Katara and Aang why he wouldn't want his heart back. It may have been broken before, but now it was so much worse. It ached with shame and guilt. It gnawed at him so hard that his thoughts turned dark and tempted him with the idea of how easy it would be to go back to not feeling again. But he only thought of his death. The horror and cold of being in space. It had only been a moment, but in his memory it felt like an eternity. As his thoughts tempted him further, he lost his temper and threw aside one of the shelves. He snatched a coat and marched back into the tunnel to lose himself in the woods. The loudness of his fit would probably attract his housemates just above him. He wasn't ready to face them.

He couldn't hide forever and he didn't want to. But the thought of apologizing to each and every person he had wronged was a weight on him. Some deserved it more than others. In his mind it was obvious the two he had hurt the most. Suki and Katniss. He had broken Suki's heart and said unbearably cruel things to her. He could never take back those words and he doubted he could ever have her back at all. But he had to try. And to do that, he would have to break Katniss's heart first. They had entered their relationship on a pretense of not feeling anything for one another. But Sokka was no fool. After the three months they had been together, he knew this was going to hurt her. Much as he wanted to spare her, he couldn't simply continue where they had left off like it was fine. She was a friend, but he didn't love her. He couldn't be with someone he didn't love.

There would be others to apologize to as well. He had wronged Edward Elric by turning his teachings to horrors. He'd said cruel things to Winry, Sheena, Korra, and plenty of others. Richard Sharpe deserved a chance to deliver a blow to Sokka's face for the humiliation he'd given him at the birthday party. He mulled it all over, thinking of each encounter he had. At one point, he stopped at a tree in the woods where he emptied the contents of his stomach along its trunk. He felt weaker for it, but he was far from hungry. He wanted to settle one thing first before he found his sister.

---

His first stop was at Katniss's house, where the wet and bedraggled Sokka rapped his fists at the door and hoped she would be the one to answer. Before anything else, he had to resolve their relationship.

His second stop was looking for his sister, Katara. He searched for her at the clinic first, since it was about the time she ought to be working there. By the time he found her, he felt close to falling over. But he needed to be certain he talked to her, regardless of how he felt.

By the time he made his way back home, the rain had let up for a few hours. He didn't feel better, but he'd at least put some food in himself courtesy of the vending machines at the Battle Dome. The first person he went looking for was Asami. She deserved an apology in person.

He ended up staying in his room after that, even though it would have been better to look for the others. The journal would have to do instead.

---

[Voice]

I haven't been myself for awhile now. I really messed things up. I... [There's a long pause as he finds himself at a loss for words.] I should have done better. I will, from now on. I owe apologies to a lot of you. If you'll let me, then tomorrow I'll come find you in person.

[There should be more. But he doesn't know what else to say. It's enough that his voice is weak and miserable without saying much more than that. So he leans back against the wall and keeps his journal open in front of him. Waiting for whatever they have to say in turn.]

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Your heart, huh. [Sounds about right- something that would be seriously bad to lose. No wonder he was acting... like that.] Yeah, that explains a lot.

[The real question is- where to go from here? That's a lot of bridges broken.]

Yeah. Listen, Ed. What I did, with the alchemy and the way I acted... it was out of line. It won't happen again.

[In fact, he's already made up his mind that he won't kill again.]

[Edward gives him a scrutinizing look for a long moment at that, lips pursed, as if considering whether or not to believe it. It's a hard thing to do, after what he'd seen, but then again, it's also easy enough to remember that he was still being controlled by Pride when it happened - and his own body had been used to take down soldiers in ways that he's not proud of, either - ...well.]

...I figured not. I'm not gonna say it's fine, because we both know it isn't. Or that I forgive you, or whatever you're after here. But... I think I understand. Why it went the way it did.

I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve that.

[And it's harder, he thinks, when people do forgive him. He needs to pay penance.]

I know I can't make up for the things I did. I abused what you taught me. I just want you to know that I won't ever use alchemy to kill again. In fact, if it's what you want, I'll give it up entirely. All of my books and notes are in my room. I'll hand them over.

[If he's looking for penance, that's a pretty good start. Edward's tempted to say yes, he wants it all back- that Sokka's forbidden from alchemy, that he can't be trusted with it, that he's done something irredeemable. But this is Luceti, and in Luceti it's never that simple. The situation with his death penalty complicates things.]

...I don't know. Whether it's because you lost your heart or not, it's... [He looks down, hands clenched into fists.] I'm still pissed you did that. I thought I could trust you with it, that even if you were fine with killing, you'd respect me enough not to use what I taught you for that. You ignored a core principle of what alchemy itself stands for- it's meant to be used for the people. All people, even your enemies. It's connected to every life on this planet, good or evil, human or not. To use it to take life goes against everything I've ever stood for.

[But Sokka knows that; he needed to say it, but Sokka knows. He still hasn't answered.

He really wishes he knew what the right answer was.]

...Look- alchemy's a tool used as a means to an end. If that end is defeating your enemies, or building up your home, or helping people, it's fine. But as long as you're willing to kill people, I think... the temptation to fall back on it is gonna be too much. Knowing the kind of person you were, someone who killed, meant that you were never suited for alchemy in the first place.

You're right.

[His demeanor wasn't the only thing different. Sokka usually was laden with weapons. His most obvious was his sword. He often kept obvious knives along his belt as well. But today was different. He carried nothing but his boomerang, which was holstered along his belt. The pouch for it was even closed. He carried it only as a memento, not as a weapon.]

I won't kill again. Not just because of what you said, either. Because if I do, I'll go back to being that person again and there won't be any way of getting my heart back. I know... that probably doesn't mean much now. But that's my promise. I'll make good on it.

[That makes Edward look up. His gaze is still serious, brutally so, and sure, maybe it's judgmental. But he's not scoffing or marching off in disgust, either. He's giving those words steady consideration.]

You saying that means a lot, actually. It doesn't mean I believe you, or that I'm okay with everything that's happened. I'm gonna be watching you, and you better believe I'll be right there to beat the hell out of you if you ever slip up. ...But okay.

[His fists relax, just a little, enough to be noticeable.]

Don't break that promise, Sokka.

I won't.

[There's doubt in his mind. Doubt that questions his resolve. What if it means the life of a friend? His own life? What if it was for Katara? But he pushes those thoughts away. He swallows and nods.]

But I might need help.

You want help... learning how to fight without killing.

[It's just a guess, but an educated one; fighting to kill is easy, after all. You take down an enemy and they stay down. Leaving them alive means capturing them, putting them out of commission, making sure they don't come back and kill you later as thanks for your mercy. It's a hell of a lot harder and much more dangerous.]

I can do that.

[He nods.]

Thanks. I've had all this training, but all I've focused on is how to do the most damage. It's not how my dad taught me to fight. It's not how Piandao taught me t fight either. I feel like... like I need to start over.

...Hm.

[Well. That pretty much settles it, to be honest. Much as a part of him would love to wash his hands of this whole issue, leave Sokka on his own and keep being angry about what happened, he knows how irresponsible that is. And if their positions were reversed, he'd want help from his friends, too.

What Sokka did wasn't right. But punishing him for something not entirely his fault isn't right, either.]

...Alright, then. We'll start up lessons again- but not for alchemy this time. I'll teach you how to fight without killing people, and... we'll figure out how to deal with the alchemy stuff later.

[He nods.]

That seems fair to me. Thank you. Just let me know when, okay? Unless you want to go back to our old time.

We might as well just stick with that. It might make it easier to get back into the habit.

[He pauses, then adds-]

Might... take a while. Before it feels normal again.

[If it ever does. What he saw Sokka do is going to be difficult to forget. But he wants to try, at the very least.]

[Nods.]

... is Winry around?

[That... makes Ed wilt immediately, looking uncomfortable and worried.]

No... she was kidnapped a while ago. I don't know where she is...

Oh. [He lets out a sigh.] She really deserves an apology, too. I said some awful things to her.

I think at this point you should just write an open letter to the whole town about it.

It needs to be in person. It would be a cop out to try and get away with that.

Yeah, I figured. [The journal would be faster, sure, but with something like this... yeah.] Hopefully she'll be back soon.

If you see her first, let her know I went looking for her, okay?

[He wants to talk to her first chance he gets.]

[Edward nods. He knows that making things right will be important- not just to Sokka, but to Winry, as well.]

I'll make sure you know.

Thanks. [A pause and he turns.] ... I should keep moving. There's other people I should talk to.

Yeah, I can imagine.

[That... came out kind of awkward and accusatory, and Edward winces, then waves Sokka off.]

Sorry, that's not what I... don't let me hold you up. I'll be here if you need anything, okay?

[A nod.]

Thanks Ed. I appreciate it. [No smiles, but the sentiment is genuine. And with that, he's off down the path.]

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Sokka the 81st

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