markofthewise | Sokka the 81st

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Sokka the 81st

Sokka woke up in the tunnels with a sudden jolt. He was cold, extremely cold, and no matter how much he pulled on his arms, he couldn't seem to get warm. His memory was a blur, but it slowly began to occur to him how he'd just returned from a mission. Then there was the droids... He shuddered as he thought about that. Had he been kidnapped? Maybe it was why he was so cold.

He pulled himself to his feet and instantly regretted it. At first he stumbled into the wall and scraped his elbow along the side. It bled, but he paid no mind to how it hurt. At least until he realized he needed the wall to steady himself, at which point he turned along side his back and waited. When he went to cover the cut with his hand, he decided that made it altogether worse. So he continued to ignore it. Instead he strained his ears for the sound of anything. The tunnels had their usual hollow echo, though it was more thunderous and he realized that meant there was rain falling in from the entrance. Upon finding his strength, Sokka made his way towards the entrance of the tunnel, using his hand to trace the edges of the wall in case he slipped and needed to brace himself. When he reached the entrance, his guess proved to be right. There was a torrent of rain coming through the entrance of the tunnel and much more rain cascading along the edges.

If he'd had any sense, he would have waited in the tunnels. But he made his way up the ladder, keeping his grip tighter than normal due to the slick conditions. It proved to be a wise decision when his foot slipped at one point and he was left dangling by his hands. By the time he made it to the top, he felt more like himself than normal, but he was drenched to the bone and feeling miserable for it. He felt very sorry for himself and realized he was bound to get himself sick like this. He found himself worried about what Katara would think. The last thing he wanted was to see her upset. But even as he plodded on home in the rain, he found himself stuck on that line of thought. It was a bewildering realization that he was more concerned about how his troubles would impact his sister than it would him. The line of thought seemed almost foreign to him. As he stood outside the house, staring at a stony slab with his own face imprinted in it, he began to understand he was worse off than he thought. More than that, he was hesitant to face anyone.

He delayed his trip by taking the long way home, making his way behind the barracks and into a secret entrance to the house. The tunnel leading to the basement was wet and ankle deep as he trekked his way home. Earthbenders may make great tunnels, but Toph hadn't put much thought into water run off when she carved it out of the ground. By the time he made it to the basement, he was back to shivering again. While a warm July rain may not freeze a man, a cold basement did little good for a man in soggy clothes. He took the opportunity to change into some spare clothes, all the while waiting for sounds of activity upstairs. He wasn't alone, so he waited in the basement as he tried to sort out his thoughts. He nearly went to go wait on the spare bed, but found he could not even do that. He remembered the last time he had been in that bed.

Asami. His stomach lurched as he realized the seriousness of what he had done. But that was nothing compared to what had gone on with Katniss. It had been over three months since he and Katniss had begun their relationship. Of course, with a newer clarity, Sokka couldn't quite describe it as that. His memories with her felt hollow and visceral. They lacked meaning or any sense of fondness. He was able to look back at them with the same sort of distance he did with the false memories he had gained from experiments. But he knew these weren't false memories. They weren't echoes of another life. It was all things he did. Things he said. Lies that he told for his own benefit. His fists tightened as he realized the seriousness of what he had done. They were so tight that his fingernails, only slightly overgrown, pierced his palm and made him bleed. He hissed at the pain and used a roll of paper towels to clean them.

But the blood served to be reminders of things far more awful. He remembered the draft. The stinking, burnt bodies of the cultists. The carelessness as his sword split flesh and bone. The utter lack of empathy he felt for any of them. Worse yet, he recalled a great-winged man pleading for mercy. A man who claimed he was no cultist. Sokka had killed him anyway. It was with a great heaviness that Sokka understood so well why he so adamantly told Katara and Aang why he wouldn't want his heart back. It may have been broken before, but now it was so much worse. It ached with shame and guilt. It gnawed at him so hard that his thoughts turned dark and tempted him with the idea of how easy it would be to go back to not feeling again. But he only thought of his death. The horror and cold of being in space. It had only been a moment, but in his memory it felt like an eternity. As his thoughts tempted him further, he lost his temper and threw aside one of the shelves. He snatched a coat and marched back into the tunnel to lose himself in the woods. The loudness of his fit would probably attract his housemates just above him. He wasn't ready to face them.

He couldn't hide forever and he didn't want to. But the thought of apologizing to each and every person he had wronged was a weight on him. Some deserved it more than others. In his mind it was obvious the two he had hurt the most. Suki and Katniss. He had broken Suki's heart and said unbearably cruel things to her. He could never take back those words and he doubted he could ever have her back at all. But he had to try. And to do that, he would have to break Katniss's heart first. They had entered their relationship on a pretense of not feeling anything for one another. But Sokka was no fool. After the three months they had been together, he knew this was going to hurt her. Much as he wanted to spare her, he couldn't simply continue where they had left off like it was fine. She was a friend, but he didn't love her. He couldn't be with someone he didn't love.

There would be others to apologize to as well. He had wronged Edward Elric by turning his teachings to horrors. He'd said cruel things to Winry, Sheena, Korra, and plenty of others. Richard Sharpe deserved a chance to deliver a blow to Sokka's face for the humiliation he'd given him at the birthday party. He mulled it all over, thinking of each encounter he had. At one point, he stopped at a tree in the woods where he emptied the contents of his stomach along its trunk. He felt weaker for it, but he was far from hungry. He wanted to settle one thing first before he found his sister.

---

His first stop was at Katniss's house, where the wet and bedraggled Sokka rapped his fists at the door and hoped she would be the one to answer. Before anything else, he had to resolve their relationship.

His second stop was looking for his sister, Katara. He searched for her at the clinic first, since it was about the time she ought to be working there. By the time he found her, he felt close to falling over. But he needed to be certain he talked to her, regardless of how he felt.

By the time he made his way back home, the rain had let up for a few hours. He didn't feel better, but he'd at least put some food in himself courtesy of the vending machines at the Battle Dome. The first person he went looking for was Asami. She deserved an apology in person.

He ended up staying in his room after that, even though it would have been better to look for the others. The journal would have to do instead.

---

[Voice]

I haven't been myself for awhile now. I really messed things up. I... [There's a long pause as he finds himself at a loss for words.] I should have done better. I will, from now on. I owe apologies to a lot of you. If you'll let me, then tomorrow I'll come find you in person.

[There should be more. But he doesn't know what else to say. It's enough that his voice is weak and miserable without saying much more than that. So he leans back against the wall and keeps his journal open in front of him. Waiting for whatever they have to say in turn.]

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Of course he should, she thought. There was work to do and, if he really was himself again, a bunch of prices to remove from things, and weapons to unlock from the walls and- he probably felt awful about all of it and didn't want to see it again. Maybe she could take it all apart before he showed up.

"Then...are you staying at home?" The voice he used, the tone and the pitch, she knew what those were. That he must feel like everyone ought to just yell at him now and get it over with.

He'd be happier if she just yelled at him. The fact she seemed intent on avoiding the wrong doing he did to her offered no comfort.

"For now. There's nowhere else to go."

Even then, he felt like he didn't belong in the house either.

That made things easy. "Okay," she said, leaving the book open while she did a little tidying up, in case he had anything else to say. He wanted to apologize, maybe people would take him up on it.

Once she finished cleaning up a very small mess, Raven shut the journal and took it with her. Normally, Sokka's house was too crowded to even think about going to, but today things were different and sometimes, exceptions had to be made. She had a few stops to make first.

Raven was almost positive he would not be the one to let her in at the knock.

He would likely not be the one to let her in, but he couldn't stay in his room forever and he'd wandered out to satisfy his hunger. No amount of food could make him feel better and he didn't waste his time looking for tasty treats. He found some cold chicken, which is what he had in his hand when he went to answer the door. He'd hoped it would be for someone else.

It wasn't.

"... Raven?"

"Hey." It wasn't quite a smile. She looked from his face down to the chicken in his hand and raised one eyebrow. "You...ate already?" That made the small bag of food she held out to him feel a little awkward. Sandwich and an orange. Sentimental things weren't her specialty but she did know how to try.

He looked down at his chicken leg and shrugged. "I didn't start yet." He did accept the bag. He didn't have to open it to guess what was inside. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"You didn't ask for anything." Arms crossed, Raven looked him up and down again. "Besides. You look hungry." On top of looking otherwise awful.

"I guess I am." He could hardly lie, given he had food already. Besides, he'd been telling too many lies lately. He hesitated a moment before stepping aside. "Do you want to come in?"

"Are a lot of people home?" This had nothing to do with Sokka. Raven didn't like crowds. ...The animals would be all right.

"No, it's just us." In fact, even the animals were gone. It was about as quiet as the house ever got.

"Okay." That was enough. Empty house, an open invitation, and someone who probably wasn't going to say sideways cruel things anymore. Raven went inside, far enough that he could close the door again if he wanted to.

She didn't think she'd ever been farther than the entryway of Sokka's house before. There was always noise and activity in a twenty-foot radius of the place and it gave her headaches.

He wasn't sure what he should do to entertain her, seeing as he was far and away from being in the mood to do so. So he instead went to the couch and sat down, leaving plenty of space for her to sit.

"I'll ask Winry to come back." It was an abrupt statement, but it was relevant to her. "I should be able to convince her."

Lucky for him, Raven didn't need entertainment. She was content to sit on the other half of the couch, awkwardly pulling at the lining of her coat.

"I'll go too. If you want." It might help lend some legitimacy to Sokka's old self.

He shook his head.

"I did this, Raven. I have to fix it myself."

Raven shrugged, wondering if he thought she would say something while he talked to Winry. Maybe she would, if it came down to shouting and stupid arguments.

"I'll still go if you change your mind." She looked between him and his dinner, not expectant, but curious.

"It's okay." He finally consented to starting to eat the sandwich. Slowly. It was certainly better than what he picked out before, but he barely tasted it.

"Raven... why did you stay?"

"Why did I...stay? At work?" Pulling at pieces of fuzz and metal scraps that weren't actually there kept her from having to look at him while she thought. She stayed because she knew it wasn't him. Because she thought, for a very long time, that he was so hurt by losing his girlfriend that he decided to hide the pain and everything else with it. She stayed because it was all so very familiar, and if everyone abandoned her because of that it would hurt all the more, so she didn't want to see it happen to him.

Now, in Sokka's living room, they sounded like such selfish reasons. At least they weren't the only ones.

"I like making things. ...I didn't want you to be alone."

"I kept pushing people away. Almost everyone was done with me." Only a few people put up with him. That kept trying. Pushed until they found a way out for him. There were so few people like that. Even if Raven didn't play a hand in fixing him, the fact she stayed with him meant a lot to him.

"Thanks."

"You tried it." Yelling at her on the draft, weird not-so-subtle verbal stabs while they worked. Raven couldn't figure out what to do with her hands, folding them and unfolding them in her lap. In the end, she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, not brave enough with her words to face him at the same time.

"Everybody...always disappears." She looked away again very quickly. "Everybody important. So...you weren't you, but..."

This wasn't going at all the way she intended. To top it off, she was blushing. "You're...still important."

Everybody always disappears...

He thinks of his mother. Of his father. The other tribe warriors. He thinks of Yue. He thinks of his many friends in Luceti and of Suki. So many faces. So many that have left him. And only Katara, only his sister, was the only person to be there the entire time.

And then he remembers that Raven is alone. Entirely alone.

He didn't smile, but he looked at her with a new sense of understanding.

"Sometimes they come back."

"You're the first."

That, more than anything else, kept her eyes firmly on the floor. Burying how she felt, that was her best and only defense.

Maybe, for once, she could keep talking.

"I thought...you didn't want." This was a stupid idea why did she ever keep going? "To hurt anymore, either."

He thought of Hiccup. It was then that it hit him. Hiccup was gone. Hiccup went away thinking he was some kind of monster. He'd never get to apologize to him now. Others had gone too. Shiki, Xion, and others. They'd left while he didn't have the capacity to care.

But he wasn't so blind he didn't see that Raven had taken Hiccup's disappearance hard. And in that moment, he'd been no comfort to her at all. He cursed the fact they were on opposite sides of the couch. He may not be able to smile, but a caring hand might have meant something.

"I still don't. But... I have to. I get it now. I have to hurt so that others don't."

"That's not true."

It was the first real emotion she'd shown since joining him on the couch. Now she was looking, right at him, worried. There was only one person things like that were true about. Why did everyone suddenly think it was them?

"It hurts to see you hurting too."

He knew this was true already. It was the motivation that made him want to fix himself. If he could wear a smile and if he could pretend to be okay, then he could make his friends smile again. It would be fake for him, but it could be real for them. It would take time, but it was the one thing he could do for them.

"Raven, I'm sorry about the things I said. The way I acted." He couldn't dare to say he didn't mean them. At the time, he did. "You're important, too."

It would kill her to know that he thought that way. That he really was turning down the path she thought he took months ago.

"Thanks." It was so surprising to hear that, she couldn't catch up fast enough to be shocked. The way he acted and the things he said, they weren't his fault and she knows he won't have it. That wouldn't be good enough for him. "It's...it'll get better." Or easier. One of the two. "But you don't have to. Apologize. ...Or maybe...maybe you do."

Right back on track to screw everything up, as usual, Raven's hands tightened into fists. "But I forgive you."

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